Culture's bumps and bruises.

I had to listen to a sappy song and look at a slide show of his images before sitting down to write this. Gosh, I sound like a creeper. Heh.

M and I have been butting heads a lot lately. We are both very stubborn and passionate. This usually ends up with tears on both ends. It really came to a roaring boil the other day. Yes, this time it was my fault for not understanding. All I could pay attention to was the pain I felt from what he did. When all he was trying to do was protect our relationship and secure our future.

It still bothers me but I am trying so HARD to understand and accept this. It did hurt me when he hid our relationship from his family. Because I want his family to know how much I love him and how much I want to make him happy .

What is acceptable here isn't there. Period. No PDA's, no open show of affection on facebook profiles, nadda. And if the family starts to talk, then it's time to really put affection on lock down. I don't want to sneak around. I want to SHOUT it from the roof top. I am in love with this man and it's real and I can't openly profess it! It is so frustrating.

As much as I love to post on his profile, I also do not want to tarnish his reputation or harm his family's image. Because I love him THAT much.

But it makes me scared at the same time. He told me where he stood and it's sounds like it's firm but then again... I've been abandoned in the past and this relationship honestly scares me because I know what there is to be lost. I know what it would do to me, it would absolutely kill me.

I ended it with M yesterday, I know it inflicted a wound on him. I hurt him and I hate myself because of it. I know I was wrong because I did it out of fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of the potential. Yes, I know. I was hurting, I was angry, I was scared and I was unaware of how serious the consequences would be if our actions were to affect and bring shame to his family.

I know.

I was the selfish one. I was the one in the wrong. Because if an American man did that here to his American girl it wouldn't fly. But in Pakistan our relationship is much more complicated then it is here.

I have to learn to respect this. I foresee A LOT of learning in the near future. I am trying, so hard. Because I love him.

I am his. He knows this. I am hesitant right now and he knows I will come back to him. I just need a little space and a slow down period. A cool down if you may. Let the emotions settle and the fear subside. He's more then ready to jump right back in, I think I'd just like to stare at him. To see what I really have been blessed with. To bask in his warmth and comfort. To be not so frightened. To be loved wholly by a man who loves my flaws, accepts my past and loves me no matter what. I love him so much for that.

We hit a culture speed bump and I tripped and fell flat on my face. I was not expecting that. So now I am learning to watch were I walk. Where and how I place my feet. M is holding my hand and protecting me from any more and he's watching out for us and myself.

As far as it matters we are still together. I will put a formal label on it when this mix of emotions has settled down. I want to be able to fully love him with out distractions because I owe him that. How fair is it to him to continue like this and fight often because that's my fear speaking? It's not. He's not leaving my side. He's right next to fighting with me. He's helping me wage war with my past and my inner demons. He's protecting me and bandaging my wounds and he's making me stronger.

If that doesn't speak volumes then I do not know what will. No cultural differences will ever be able to muffle that.

No, he's not a terrorist. Yes, I am still American.

I really never intended to make my blog a sounding board for my politically based rants... when it gets closer to the primaries, we'll see. No promises.

But

BUT

I.Can't.Bite.My. Tongue.Anymore.

M is from Pakistan. And apparently that automatically makes you a terrorist. And if you marry one you are now un-american. Really? REALLY?

Do you know what I've recently learned how to say?

"Mein ap say muhabat karti hoon."

It means "I love you" in Urdu.

But to me it also means:

I love you no matter your skin color

I love you no matter your religion

I love you no matter your culture

I love you enough to look past stereotypes

I love you enough to not get snared into ignorance

I love you enough to think and feel for myself

I love you so much that I will not let other's ignorance and fear change how I feel ONE bit.

M comes from a religion and a culture that is greatly misunderstood and "Salem-ized" by mass media post 9/11. With a heavy heart I think about the ten years that have passed and the lives that were lost that day and the days to come. While others mourn and the country reflects, I brace myself for the onslaught of ignorance in the days and years to come. My heart aches and yet my brain is angry. I am aching for the innocent souls who were lost in this unforgivable attack and I am angry for those who now suffer from the racism. Something that became so virulent and rampant in a country that is supposedly deeply rooted in human rights and equality.

The responses have been about 50/50. Either he isn't a terrorist or he is by association. Which astounds me. I wonder how far we really have progressed or are we yet still chained down by inhumanity and clouded by a lack of compassion and knowledge?

I will never hide the fact that M is Pakistani. Nor will I encourage our children to be ashamed because the rotten apples that stained the face of a beautiful county and a beautiful culture. A culture so deeply rooted in tradition and a high regard of family and mankind. Something our country deeply needs right now.

A little knowledge goes a long way.

On Sunday we pause, we reflect and we remember. But we must not forget our fellow humans. The ones who have a heart that beats just like yours and a life just as treasured as yours. We must look past skin color and see that every human is worthy no matter what.

We are all worthy and we must not forget this.

Must not forget.

Wedding talk!

So I get to have two weddings. A traditional American wedding and a traditional Pakistani wedding.

An American wedding is pretty straight forward. One ceremony and a reception and bam you are husband and wife. Right? Standard.

An Pakistani wedding, whoa. Yeah. I know some about it but there is so MUCH that I don't. So busy, colorful, many ceremonies, traditions, rituals. Eek. I pretty much told M it's all on him to plan with his family, etc. I wouldn't know where to start. Plus it's so ELABORATE. So in your face. I am quite, mute and even possibly dull. I told M things that I liked and "suggested" that maybe we could tone it down, just a little.

Do not get me wrong I am in love with it but it kinda blew my "little, quiet and romantic wedding" idea out the window. I want to do this right not only for us but for his family, religion and his tradition.

But talking with M he feels that it isn't necessary to do all ceremonies because we will already had the American wedding. (I hope. No pray.) But it looks like we will only take part in a few of the major ceremonies. I do look forward to the Mehndi. I think it's so beautiful.

I think M has picked my dress out. I think. I know he has a date planned. I don't think I was suppose to know about this but I did find out. I am still not sure what's going on with that as his visa status and etc is still up in the air. So all I am allowed to do is look. I can't buy. I can't schedule. I can't do any thing but plan. So that is what I am doing for my American wedding.

Our theme for our American wedding is "Romantic Black & White."

Reception:

Plenty of white candles every where, infusions of black and a lot of sparkly clear glass. White crisp table cloths, black table runners. Romantic but not in your face flowers and candle table center pieces. White covered chairs tied back with black satin.

Strings of little with lights and organza. Hanging lighted paper lanterns.

Can you picture it?

I can and I do every day. Taking our first dance as Man and Wife under all the sparkling lights. I see it. It motivates me.

I can't wait to be his wife.

I will post an album soon with my inspiration pictures. So you can "Ooohhh and Ahhhh" with me too.

An updated "About Me" post.

I have missed you blog world. A place where I could share what I need when I need too. A place where I could share what I do best: cook, eat and raise my children.

Things are changing in my world and I am happy to report for the better. Although people are assuming the wrong things about my judgement, I know in my heart and through out my soul, that I am doing what is correct. Now I just wait for all the good things I am meant to be blessed with.

So I thought I would update for those who may have fell behind on the going ons in my life. Although posting more regularly on my end would be a big help to you wouldn't it? I have committed a blogging sin and I repent for my lazy-ness.

I have added another player to our team. He's a great man and I know he'll make a great husband and father. It's one of those things where it began as friendship, I supported him through his storms and he was there through mine. Somewhere it had morphed into something romantic. It hit me that the man I was looking for was sitting right in front of me.

Only problem: He's nearly 8000 miles away from me.

I shall call him M. He's in his early 20's and he's educated, supportive, smart, talented, a great friend, loving, honest, mature, non-judgmental and very handsome. AND he's coming here for me! Of course to finish his education but he's coming here to MARRY ME! Take that! Ha. I am giddy when we talk about it. Trust me it seems like it's rushing to you but the legal processes to get him here and then hoops we'd have jump through gives us plenty of time. We don't know dates because so many things are up in the air. We'll get this figured out as time goes on.

We pretty much want and need the same things in a relationship. I am more traditional then what it appears. *GASP* I know right? My friend told me that he didn't see me becoming a stay at home mom. Well the only reason I am not is because I am forced too. I still have my dreams and M is very supportive and I love him so much for this. I have a treasure and I refuse to lose it or damage it. I absolutely refuse too.

He's from Pakistan.

This is where you shed your ignorance or get out of my life. Pretty simple eh?

He's not what ignorant mass media portrays. He's a man. He's made out skin, muscle, blood and tissue. He's heart beats and bleeds just like yours. His lunges exhale just like yours dose. He's an equal to any american man I could love. You don't love a human being based on their skin color, their religion or any other thing.

He makes me hold my breath, my soul quakes, my heart skips beats every time he whispers "I love you." I look excitedly to what our future brings us.

With marriage comes pitter patter of little feet. Yes, little feet. Yes, they will be planned. We will be adding to the brood. Not surprised are you? Heh.

There's so much I could post about him and us but I must update on the other girls as well!

A- Is doing well. She keeps bragging to me about how old she will be. As if I had no idea how old she will be turning and when her birthday is. Sorry kid, I must of missed your birth at this rate. She's going to be nine and I am about ready to cry. She's getting so big and so smart. Too smart. She will be taking English horse back ridding lessons and yoga this fall. She's looking forward to this. I can tell it's something she loves and I am going to support her in these quests of hers. She wants to be home schooled because she's been teased so badly lately. She's so shy but very passionate. She isn't old enough to see how this will benefit her.

H- Energetic, little, impish H. She's such a tomboy and so sporty. I am glad she's in love with ballet. She has her rough and tumble side but it's nearly perfectly balanced with her girly side. She loves dirt, yet she loves nail polish. She's ready for school. She love the kids and I think she may end up being popular at this rate. I am fine with this as long as she maintains the things I think are important with it comes to treating others. This fall she starts ballet full time and already is talking about her first performance and it hasn't even started yet!

L- She's her own being. Stubborn but loving. She'll put up a good fight when life gets rough for her. This I am thankful for because she gets this from momma. She starts school for the first time in a little over a week. She is over the moon with this idea. I just hope she can cope with this, we still are waiting from the IEP team to contact us but I am sure with a little tough love and new coping skills she should do ok. I hope. She also starts soccer this fall. A good way to get her active and interacting with other kids, something she so desperately needs.

Little L- She is making my ovaries ache. She's growing up so soon! She's still not potty trained yet. We are working on it but it's seems she's opting for the easy way out. Luckily, I've been through this a few times. She is starting to talk more. Oddly when we got the TV she started stringing words together and using more words then before. Who said TV was a bad thing? I was thinking about putting her into a private preschool but the idea of germs is starting to sway my opinion. This last winter was a good one. She only had one bout of penuomia and bronchitis. I'd kinda like to keep it this way. No matter how many times you've been in the PICU, you never like being there. I am enjoying all the extra time with her and looking forward to only having her this school year at home. Although I am sure it will drive me crazy not having a full house but at the same time, I am going to enjoy it!

Me- I am doing good. My graduation date has been pushed back another year and a semester. I plan on graduating there with my AS in science and then working part time while going to a four year college. Although this may be up in the air as it depends on my plans with M. I'd be happy not going back to school and I'd be happy staying in school. I started working out and dieting again, well, ok somewhat. I am trying. It's just so odd for me to eat more then one meal a day! It's a mind over matter issue. But I am super happy thanks to M. I really am. I hope people see this and support me because of it!

I will update as things progress and I will be posting wedding things etc. I already have a few ideas. I am happy. So very much happy and I only want to share this pureness with those around me.

ML.