Closing the distance update. 11/17/11

102 days

2453 hours

147288 minutes....

Until M gets here.

Yep. Someone is excited! I mean I even know how many full moons there will be until he gets here...

So this will be the real solid start to our relationship. I think the plan is for his relatives in the States to meet me, approve of me and then introduce the idea of marriage to his parents back in Pakistan. They are well aware of M's plans to marry me.

Although I fear them not accepting me due to my divorce, the girls and my age. Even though everything is well justified, it's not the norm in their culture and I've accepted this. There's a chance where they wont approve of me, period. It's a reality that we've both come to accept. M has made it clear of his choice but I fear that he will choose his family over me anyways . We may end up doing things our way and that way isn't something that I want to happen. It would be much better if they accepted me and the girls into their family with open arms but that may be too much dreaming on my part. I don't want to be the one who causes a rift in the family and I am afraid that if we do the Nikah without their knowledge and consent that it will cause major problems. I don't want M to go through that stress but at the same time I do not want to lose him.

It leaves me feeling very selfish.

So it appears he will be here on a 90 day visit and then possibly extending that for a total of six months. Who know what could happen then but I know having to put him a plane home will kill me. So maybe he'll change his mind and stay. Wishful thinking once again.

M is going back to the embassy this week and I am sure we will talk more about this in detail some time this weekend.

Writing adventures.

I've drifted back out into the world where I need to find my roots. To embrace the things that make me strong and strengthen the things that make me weak. I am out to reclaim who I was, the person that I lost so many years ago. The artistic, smart and driven women I once was. I'll find her and I will be ecstatic to be reunited with her so that I can finally feel whole and comfortable in my own skin. I've grown accustomed to seeing the shell of who I was once was and living with the emptiness I have known for so long. I will no longer be a ghost of the past. I can thank M for bringing me back to life and allowing this new found desire to grow and supporting me through this. M is truly a great man and it's because of him that I am writing again.

So in turn, I have several projects on the burner and I feel overwhelmed but excited. Something that I excel at apparently.

I will leave you with some excerpts because nothing is final yet and my blog has set long enough without attention. And yes, I will post a recipe here soon because I finally found my camera! I misplaced it and found it today while cleaning out the van... don't ask me how it got there.

I am currently writing and still researching my main piece for a project that I am doing on food hunger and food insecurity in America. Something that has already began to open my eyes and I haven't even began to start this experience but here is a little excerpt from what I have written.

We live in a country where one in every six people faces hunger every day. We are supposed to be a power nation, we are an industrialized and democratic nation, yet we cannot even feed our own people. Sure, there is the nationally funded food stamp program but it’s underfunded and only rarely helps fully prevent hunger and food insecurity. There are countless soup kitchens and food banks, but they still remain underfunded and in desperate need of food. How is it that we are leading nation; yet we remain in the bottom five for poverty rates? How is that even possible and even permissible? Have we become so blind to our nations own needs and troubles?

Then I began to write something loosely titled "The woman beneath the scarf." I don't think it will be a start and finish project but more of an on going thing that I will write about as I experience it. Here's a brief blurb from it.

To be frank, I kind of like wearing a Hijab but I also like the loose warm comfort of a scarf draped over my head that is now common place in Pakistan. When I wear a hijab, I feel in a sense that I am protecting my femininity and that I do not have to worry about superficial beauty. I feel safe. Oddly, society has taught me that hijabs are not a sign of safety but of oppression. I hate to say it but I do not find that to be true. But then again, I have yet to wear one out in public…

But I plan to and I will write about it.

I am not sure how my fiance will feel about this but there is something compelling me to experience this part of Islam and write about it. I think he fears that others will perceive him as being oppressive and it’s true, I think some will but how can I honestly know what I am writing about if I do not go out and experience it? How can I impact others thinking if I have no firm proof to back up my own opinions and thoughts?

I hope you will stick around as I write. Something that I so desperately want to get back too. This is part of who I am and this blog reflects this. So fingers to keys, I move forward with my new adventure of finding me.