M and I have been butting heads a lot lately. We are both very stubborn and passionate. This usually ends up with tears on both ends. It really came to a roaring boil the other day. Yes, this time it was my fault for not understanding. All I could pay attention to was the pain I felt from what he did. When all he was trying to do was protect our relationship and secure our future.
It still bothers me but I am trying so HARD to understand and accept this. It did hurt me when he hid our relationship from his family. Because I want his family to know how much I love him and how much I want to make him happy .
What is acceptable here isn't there. Period. No PDA's, no open show of affection on facebook profiles, nadda. And if the family starts to talk, then it's time to really put affection on lock down. I don't want to sneak around. I want to SHOUT it from the roof top. I am in love with this man and it's real and I can't openly profess it! It is so frustrating.
As much as I love to post on his profile, I also do not want to tarnish his reputation or harm his family's image. Because I love him THAT much.
But it makes me scared at the same time. He told me where he stood and it's sounds like it's firm but then again... I've been abandoned in the past and this relationship honestly scares me because I know what there is to be lost. I know what it would do to me, it would absolutely kill me.
I ended it with M yesterday, I know it inflicted a wound on him. I hurt him and I hate myself because of it. I know I was wrong because I did it out of fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of the potential. Yes, I know. I was hurting, I was angry, I was scared and I was unaware of how serious the consequences would be if our actions were to affect and bring shame to his family.
I was the selfish one. I was the one in the wrong. Because if an American man did that here to his American girl it wouldn't fly. But in Pakistan our relationship is much more complicated then it is here.
I have to learn to respect this. I foresee A LOT of learning in the near future. I am trying, so hard. Because I love him.
I am his. He knows this. I am hesitant right now and he knows I will come back to him. I just need a little space and a slow down period. A cool down if you may. Let the emotions settle and the fear subside. He's more then ready to jump right back in, I think I'd just like to stare at him. To see what I really have been blessed with. To bask in his warmth and comfort. To be not so frightened. To be loved wholly by a man who loves my flaws, accepts my past and loves me no matter what. I love him so much for that.
We hit a culture speed bump and I tripped and fell flat on my face. I was not expecting that. So now I am learning to watch were I walk. Where and how I place my feet. M is holding my hand and protecting me from any more and he's watching out for us and myself.
As far as it matters we are still together. I will put a formal label on it when this mix of emotions has settled down. I want to be able to fully love him with out distractions because I owe him that. How fair is it to him to continue like this and fight often because that's my fear speaking? It's not. He's not leaving my side. He's right next to fighting with me. He's helping me wage war with my past and my inner demons. He's protecting me and bandaging my wounds and he's making me stronger.
If that doesn't speak volumes then I do not know what will. No cultural differences will ever be able to muffle that.